Diary of a Woman Learning

Today has been a very hard day. A day of doubt and of hurt and of confusion. Let me start at the beginning... As far back as I can remember, I wanted nothing more than to be a wife and a mother. At 20 years old, I married my husband, and three years later we had our first child. With him we have been through severe seasonal allergies, food intolerances, asthma, a seizure disorder, sensory processing disorder, and the autism spectrum. Fast forward several more years - our children are more than 10 years apart - and we have repeated some of those and have added heart failure to the list. God got us through it, and has healed my children. Physically. We no longer deal with severe seasonal allergies, asthma, seizures, or heart failure - but the remainder are in some ways so much harder. I have smart children. They are sweet, with servant hearts, but they are both - and especially my youngest, a daughter - are very observant. They often learn by watching for a while and then finally dec...

I have tried to post SO many times. I have been so overwhelmingly emotional - and it comes and it goes. Sometimes it is personal, other times I cannot find the source of my feelings. But I have decided: Feelings can be liars. Our feelings are not fact. They are warped through our life's experiences, colored through the lenses of our own perception, and used against us by the enemy. They can be BASED on fact, and we are perfectly capable of some unbiased opinions, even. But so often we allow our feelings to control us, to control our actions - or even more accurate, I think - to permit us to become out of control. Feelings frequently elicit a REACTION as opposed to ACTING in love and grace and mercy. Think about it, truthfully, for a moment. I am certainly not excluding myself. Some of my deepest hurts have come from family members. Have I forgiven them? Yes. Again and again. Because they continue to hurt or attack me? Not necessarily. As much as I want to have peaceful and...

I have felt it - a bit OFF - lately. A shift is coming, and following my gut has left me with more questions than answers sometimes. But KNOWING that my body wants to tell me something is a huge step from just a few years ago. I also feel emotional upheaval today. My heart is heavy. I have friends who are struggling with things that my human mind simply cannot see the good in...shoot! I am even struggling with a few things! B ut I know that God is good. T hat He knows everything - FAR more than I know - or THINK I know. While everything in me - heart, mind, body, and soul - feels "off", there is a peace and a trust that I have never known before. I KNOW that He is FOR me. I KNOW that He cares ever so deeply for me; that He even rejoices over me with singing! I received a call from a precious friend this morning. My son is planning to help her with some landscaping this weekend. "Are we still on for this weekend?", she asked. I assured her that we were on, and she ...

Today our pastor referred to Scripture in Exodus 33 in which Moses asked to see God. God told Moses that he could see His back, but not His face. I wrote a note on the page of sermon notes, then I turned the page as Sam THEN asked, "What is it that you are looking forward to in Heaven?" For the first time in my life my answer was not the streets of gold, or the loved ones that have gone before me.. What I had written on the page before was this: I have seen His back countless times - but OH! - to see the face of God! When I realized that my heart's desire was to see Him, the rest of the service was different. I love to worship, I love to sing his praises, I love to tell of the wonderful and countless ways that God has shown up for me over my lifetime...but today I worshipped at the front of the sanctuary, with "the dancers", arms raised, eyes closed, heart ready to explode with gratitude for His goodness to me. The ONLY thing that made it better was t...

This is a pretty box, isn't it? A beautiful aqua box, simple yet classic white ribbon...do you wonder what might be in it? If someone offered you this gift box, would you excitedly accept - opening it quickly so as to see what thoughtful present could be inside? Or would you wait for more? A bigger box, a prettier color, a brighter, striped ribbon, perhaps? So often I have prayed to God for a thing...maybe even something that could fit inside this box, maybe not. I have asked for enough grace to get through a moment, enough money to get through a week, enough peace to get through a season - but what if God never intended me to limit His grace, His financial blessings, His peace? What if He means that I should have those things in abundance ? Ephesians 3:14-21 (ESV) says: 14 For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, 15 from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, 16 that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power t...

While I admit that 2015 had it's struggles it was also an amazing year of growth and freedom for me. I started the year with as much anxiety and fear as I can ever remember having. I balanced carefully throughout each day as though I were walking a tightrope and at any moment the chaos or the stress of the day could topple me - but the week after my birthday all of that changed. Some sweet friends prayed over me: for my brain to work according to God's perfect design, for peace, for wisdom, for discernment, and for overall balance. The fog and the anxiety, that I could not remember a time without, was gone...it was simply washed away. In its place was the overwhelming sense of God's grace, love, and mercy poured out onto me and I have since not felt that constant fear or anxiety. And I have also learned that I have the authority in Christ to speak against those attacks from the enemy. Experiencing these things have caused a great number of things to change in my heart, ...

Yesterday I cut my finger. Badly. I still finished what I needed to do, stopped off to get first aid supplies to change out my bandage frequently, enjoyed my "work" Christmas party, and got home with my children in tow before I tried to relax for a while. This morning, I realized, quite painfully, that I had not purchased the right kind of bandage for my finger. After deciding that today was going to be a day of relaxing and recuperating, and I sat to watch a movie -- and our power went out. I planned to go to CVS and get the proper supplies. I dressed and was quite pleased with my ensemble thinking that I looked pretty cute - aside from the huge and glaringly white wrap to protect my injured finger. I arrived at CVS and parked near the door. That was great because my head was still pounding and my eyes are so very sensitive to light when I have a headache. I entered the store, walked to scan my card for coupons and as I left the machine, I saw you and smiled. You made eye ...

I am always amazed at God. Not in the "I had no idea He could do that" kind of way, but rather the "I had no idea He would do it that way" kind of way. They say that you learn one of two things from your parents. Either 1) you learn from their examples what you will do or 2) you learn what not to do. I learned what not to do, mostly. My parents were/are amazing people, but they were young with no good examples of their own on how to parent with love and grace and they always struggled with their relationships. Theirs, personally, as a couple, as well as each and every other relationship that they had. Despite nearly 21 years together, my parents were lonely, depressed, and had pushed each other away. Eventually, they divorced - and shortly thereafter I lost contact with my father. My communication with my mother stopped just before I got married and we began trying to rebuild our relationship probably a year or so later. We are closer today than ever and I am so v...

So I have been working on a new post for a while...but I am just going to delete it. I think I expected to ramble a little - to put my thoughts out there and just process a bit, but I feel that God just never released me to do that, so here I sit with a fresh mind, and in appreciation of new mercies. The last few weeks have been exhausting. I have had so many reasons to praise God amidst the struggles, though! Friends' rejoicing has turned to mourning - but they have hope. The situations of this world are so beyond disheartening - but THIS world is not my home. I have been sick - but then I realized how long it has been since I actually had this allergy and sinus junk! I'm praising Him for a body that is becoming healthy despite the many ways that I have abused this temple over the decades...He restores, Friend. He truly redeems and restores. And THIS is where I want to rest today. How often do I become impatient with my husband because he does not hear or understand what I...

So last night, on my way to work, I was praising and singing and praying - and then I felt God speaking to me. And I also knew that it was to share. I have been blessed with a great friend that covers most evening events so that I can participate or have evenings with my family. Yesterday was her birthday, though, so I drove to work at dusk with the radio cranked up - and the kids were at home with Daddy. I was driving eastbound on the interstate, with the setting sun shining brightly in my rearview mirror and all of the tall buildings glowing with gold. As I was appreciating the beauty, I thought about how when we are in the midst of a beautiful time with God, facing our future - and walking into our present time with appreciation for the current view - the entire time it is lit up by our past. But if we should turn to see what lies behind us, we must quickly look away. The setting sun is not made to be looked directly into - at sunset the sun has filled its purpose for the day, and...

I feel so very strongly that I should blog today about His timing. Probably all of us have heard some take or another on this Scripture: Ecclesiastes 3 English Standard Version (ESV) A Time for Everything For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace. (I KNOW you've heard it if you know oldies..."Turn, Turn, Turn" by The Byrds.) Well,...

So I have tried again to get this blog revamped and active again...but there has just been too much stuff. Too much chaos. Too much frustration. Too much confusion. Too much...well...life. But I have felt VERY clearly for the last few weeks that Facebook - though a wonderful tool for connections, sometimes - is just not the format for my personal ramblings. Not because they are inappropriate, but because they tend to be long. ;) Still, several sweet friends tell me how they wish that I would blog because they want to see more. I feel like God is saying, "Yes. Now." My life has changed SO dramatically over since the first post on this blog. And even more still since my LAST post. I've grown in faith and I have found my true identity in my Creator. In fact, when I was trying to determine how to start this blog do-over, I decided to go with today. What a precious day. But before that, I realize that - as this is a new beginning - I should first share my testimony. I wa...

God has been speaking to me for a while now. At first it was clear and I knew what He wanted me to say...but I didn't know where or how to start. And the longer I have waited, the murkier my clarity has become. I no longer have the clear direction that I just KNOW this is what He wants...so NOW it's time to step out and figure it out as I go. I fear that if I do not just start somewhere, I'll continue to get fuzzier and fuzzier on His expectations and I will simply let it go. I will choose now not to accept that - because it will mean that an opportunity to bring glory to God will have passed me by - AGAIN - and I will have missed it completely. I hope that you will stick with me as I process some things through this blog. I named this blog YEARS ago - and the Diary of a Woman Learning has never been more appropriate. I continue to seek God and to learn to realize what He has for me, this side of Heaven. Life is not always easy, but I am abundantly blessed...and ever more s...

Over the last year and a half that I've been away from my blog, I've been learning. A lot. About health and nutrition, mostly. I already knew things like: If I eat out, I don't typically feel well. And I was very, very puffy and always hurting. It was a lot like arthritis. And it was constant - it really varied only in intensity. I'd always dealt with it, but after dealing with a bad gallbladder throughout my pregnancy and the consequential poor nutrition, it was awful. I've had a sugar addiction like never before. And this is also hard on my body. When Peaches was a little over a year old, she was still nursing a few times a day. We'd noticed that after a pasta dinner complete with garlic bread - homemade, I believe - she began to vomit. It was acidic. It was clear that her poor little stomach was in distress, but we weren't sure why - dinner had seemed to sit fine with everyone else. Then, Hubby said it, "Maybe she has a problem with gluten." We...

Over the last year+ that I have been absent from my blog, I've learned so very much. I've changed so very much. It's time to begin documenting this, not only my changes, but the things that I find helpful and meaningful and worthy to pass along. It will likely have a LOT to do with nutrition and health - those are both VERY strong passions of mine. It might also include quotes, Scriptures and links to blogs or such. I hope that you'll hang out with me. Please share your input with me - in a POSITIVE way...it can be done, even if it is contradictory to my information. I'm still a woman learning...I pray that I always WILL be. Be so very, very blessed...as I am.

Today as I read Genesis 3 , I was particularly struck by verses 1-13. (I'll move on to the next verses soon.) God had given Adam and Eve everything they could ever want or need. They had food, they had purpose and even more, they walked in close relationship with God Himself. Yet they wanted more. Adam was told - apparently before Eve was ever fashioned from his rib - that only one thing was forbidden. Of all the trees in the Garden of Eden, only the single tree in the middle - the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil - was off limits. Verse 1 tells us that the serpent was very crafty. The serpent tempted Eve with the possibility that she could discern good from evil - that she could be like God. She was so tempted by this that she ate and she also gave the fruit to her husband - who was with her - and their eyes were opened. They were suddenly aware that they were naked and they were ashamed. They made coverings for their naked bodies from fig leaves and Adam and Eve hid from ...

I've read it before. So many times. I've even done studies and have been in classes that have gone over Creation. Yet as I read through Genesis 2 , the same thing strikes me - of all the things that God created, the only things that God actually touched were man and woman. Not the earth, the oceans, the animals...only man and woman. I was blessed within the last year or so, to do a Jennifer Rothschild Bible study called " Fingerprints of God ". It still fills me with awe, that God created me the way He did. Full of imperfections and human-ness...He created me perfectly suited to do His will. I fail so miserably and so often...but God's grace and mercy have afforded me the promise of a life with Him by my side. And even better still, eternity with Him when my life on this earth is over. I know that regardless of the trials that come my way in this life, God is always there. Let me say that again: no matter what my life on earth brings, God will never leave my s...

So as I read Genesis 1 today, the story of Creation took on a whole new meaning. Click here to read Genesis 1. The words that spoke to me today - due to personal issues that I've been dwelling on - are "separated", "after their kind", and "it was good". What I realized is that there are family situations that I've encountered in my lifetime - and I am still dealing with some of them - in which I have been outright rejected. I've been so hurt that my own family might judge me harshly and/or wrongly. Maybe that they don't even seem to care that I have children that they don't even know. It hurts. And I know that God will never leave me or forsake me, but it still causes deep pain that my earthly family finds it so easy to abandon me. However, in several instances, people (even family members) who have chosen for one reason or another to keep their distance from me or my family have come back around. I've stayed much the same, ye...

I've been gone for far too long. I know it's been too long, because my hubby has been asking if I've blogged or anything. I also know because God's been tugging at me to re-vamp my little blog here and create a Bible-led adventure blog. Okay, so probably not an adventure like you might think...but a journal of sorts for me to document revelations or thoughts that God might want me to learn. I hope that you'll read along and give me your own insights. I believe that the Bible is God's Living Word and that even though the Bible itself never changes, everything in it is true and it peaks to what you need in a particular moment. My first post should clarify that a bit, but because the Bible is God's Living Word, when I need to learn or know something, God will use certain words to get His point across to me. Or at least I hope He will get His point across or this will be a long journey! Each day I will read a portion of the Scripture and I will stop where I ...

So for much of our marriage, Hubby and I have not taken for granted all that we have been given. We lived in an apartment for only a few short months because our goal was to own a house. Don't get me wrong - our house was far from extravagant. However, every one of those 700 square feet was well-used for the several years that we lived in it. God provided exactly what we needed, when we needed it. And when it came time to move into a bigger home, God provided yet again. Each and every step of the way, God has provided for us in every way and beyond what we could have asked for. Yet as I sit here nearing the end of 2010 and subsequent beginning of 2011, I ponder my stewardship of those blessings. We have racked up more medical bills, more credit card debt, and we have less and less for our family's necessities and for blessing others. Why? Not solely because of the medical bills both for my surgery and our unexpected (and deeply loved) little miracle girl - but due mostly to eat...