I am at a total loss for words at this moment so this will be very short and to the point. I had a wonderful night at choir practice and fellowship with great Christian friends. I got home and my sister called...long story made very short: my mom's youngest sister was in the emergency room in a nearby city.
Hubby and Kiddo and I hurried over and by the time I got there, she was gone. My aunt lived a miserable life and was very, very sick. She battled with mental illness (SEVERE mental illness) for probably at least most of her life. I chose to go back to the room to see her body and I realized (and this is the part that is hard) that I had never, ever seen her look peaceful before. Then on the way home, I got the sense that she was looking down on all of us. But what I saw was that she saw through HEALTHY eyes with a HEALTHY mind and a HEALTHY body...and I could sense that she was saying, "I am SO sorry..."
So many of the choices that she made were because her mind and body were programmed for failure because of disease. I cannot blame her for many things she said or did because it wasn't HER speaking or acting...not her heart. It was her illness.
I feel cheated of so many things due to mental illness: I was robbed of a happy childhood. I was robbed of a functional family. I was cheated out of "family ties" - the kind of bond that families share because they WANT to see each other more than holidays and birthdays. I have PERSONALLY been cheated out of my own personal happiness...as I have battled with depression for much of my life.
However, I am learning. It is coming later to me, but I have friends that are teaching me to truly accept myself and be as good to ME as I try to be to others. (I love you and you KNOW who you are! :o) I have family that is loving me through the awkward silences and the barriers that I have put up. I have grown strong and sure of my loving Father and the Planner of my life. I have learned the things that I would NOT allow in my own home because I did not like it growing up. And most importantly I have learned that I am not ashamed of my roots...regardless how damaged or damag-ING they can be.
God has a perfect plan for me and for my life...and it is only by His grace and mercies (that are new each day!) that I will pray His will to be done.
Please lift up my mom, her siblings (this is the first of the five of them to pass and none of them are taking it well), my aunt's husband and children (she has a son in Germany that hasn't even gotten here yet and 2 teenagers that were living at home) and please pray that the arrangements will go smoothly. They don't have anything put aside and it was totally unexpected.
As always thank you so much for your prayers and in advance for your kind words...you all always bring a smile to my day!
Hubby and Kiddo and I hurried over and by the time I got there, she was gone. My aunt lived a miserable life and was very, very sick. She battled with mental illness (SEVERE mental illness) for probably at least most of her life. I chose to go back to the room to see her body and I realized (and this is the part that is hard) that I had never, ever seen her look peaceful before. Then on the way home, I got the sense that she was looking down on all of us. But what I saw was that she saw through HEALTHY eyes with a HEALTHY mind and a HEALTHY body...and I could sense that she was saying, "I am SO sorry..."
So many of the choices that she made were because her mind and body were programmed for failure because of disease. I cannot blame her for many things she said or did because it wasn't HER speaking or acting...not her heart. It was her illness.
I feel cheated of so many things due to mental illness: I was robbed of a happy childhood. I was robbed of a functional family. I was cheated out of "family ties" - the kind of bond that families share because they WANT to see each other more than holidays and birthdays. I have PERSONALLY been cheated out of my own personal happiness...as I have battled with depression for much of my life.
However, I am learning. It is coming later to me, but I have friends that are teaching me to truly accept myself and be as good to ME as I try to be to others. (I love you and you KNOW who you are! :o) I have family that is loving me through the awkward silences and the barriers that I have put up. I have grown strong and sure of my loving Father and the Planner of my life. I have learned the things that I would NOT allow in my own home because I did not like it growing up. And most importantly I have learned that I am not ashamed of my roots...regardless how damaged or damag-ING they can be.
God has a perfect plan for me and for my life...and it is only by His grace and mercies (that are new each day!) that I will pray His will to be done.
Please lift up my mom, her siblings (this is the first of the five of them to pass and none of them are taking it well), my aunt's husband and children (she has a son in Germany that hasn't even gotten here yet and 2 teenagers that were living at home) and please pray that the arrangements will go smoothly. They don't have anything put aside and it was totally unexpected.
As always thank you so much for your prayers and in advance for your kind words...you all always bring a smile to my day!
Comments
I had some real losers come in and out of my life...and in the blink of an eye, I would repeat everyone of them because I LOVE who I am now....and I wouldn't be this person had I not experienced those lows....know what I mean? I also learned forgiveness is for the person forgiving....let it go.
Why beat yourself up over what "could have been"....those people who "ruined" it for you...are living their merry lives and not giving a care about how you fret and fret over the past. So, forgive and move on.....know that God ALWAYS works for the GOOD....and there IS good...just look around.
God bless!!!
The Word tells us "His mercies are new each morning". He has provided new strength or whatever you need for each new day.
I'll certainly be keeping you and your family in my prayers.
I'm thankful you see yourself as a child of God and you know He is your peace.
Love,
Valerie