Diary of a Woman Learning

Today has been a very hard day. A day of doubt and of hurt and of confusion. Let me start at the beginning... As far back as I can remember, I wanted nothing more than to be a wife and a mother. At 20 years old, I married my husband, and three years later we had our first child. With him we have been through severe seasonal allergies, food intolerances, asthma, a seizure disorder, sensory processing disorder, and the autism spectrum. Fast forward several more years - our children are more than 10 years apart - and we have repeated some of those and have added heart failure to the list. God got us through it, and has healed my children. Physically. We no longer deal with severe seasonal allergies, asthma, seizures, or heart failure - but the remainder are in some ways so much harder. I have smart children. They are sweet, with servant hearts, but they are both - and especially my youngest, a daughter - are very observant. They often learn by watching for a while and then finally dec...

I have tried to post SO many times. I have been so overwhelmingly emotional - and it comes and it goes. Sometimes it is personal, other times I cannot find the source of my feelings. But I have decided: Feelings can be liars. Our feelings are not fact. They are warped through our life's experiences, colored through the lenses of our own perception, and used against us by the enemy. They can be BASED on fact, and we are perfectly capable of some unbiased opinions, even. But so often we allow our feelings to control us, to control our actions - or even more accurate, I think - to permit us to become out of control. Feelings frequently elicit a REACTION as opposed to ACTING in love and grace and mercy. Think about it, truthfully, for a moment. I am certainly not excluding myself. Some of my deepest hurts have come from family members. Have I forgiven them? Yes. Again and again. Because they continue to hurt or attack me? Not necessarily. As much as I want to have peaceful and...